The Brownie Bet

I don't know who wants to know what this brownie bet Erik and I have is all about. In any case, I feel like writing about it, because it DOES make for some good laughs.

I'll describe this as best I can, though Erik may have a few comments of his own on the subject. In a nutshell, the bet is based on a difference in theories about marriage and quirks. Erik believes that even when God puts 2 people together in marriage, there will still be times when their quirks get on each other's nerves so much that they'll (proverbially) want to hit each other. I believe that when God puts 2 people together, when it was HIS doing, and not their own, that their quirks will mesh in such a way that neither will have any real reason to be that angry. This doesn't mean that I think such people are perfect. It means that I think they'll be just-right-for-each-other. Quirks include more than habits, they also include personalities.

I'll further explain my theory. For example, I'm obviousely a messy person who doesn't take well to critisism, and who's a germaphobe. Weird combo, I know. Well, I think God will put me with someone who simply loves cleaning, being neat, etc., who has a kind, fun, and decent disposition, who's personality invites me to join him in cleaning, and who's furthest thought from his mind would be to say criticle things to me about my messiness. In fact, he'll be someone who I'll WANT to clean up for! It won't be out of guilt, or out of thinking he needs my help. It will be out of wanting to do something nice for him, out of Love for him. He'll also be someone who, like me, doesn't eat food right off the floor :) See how those quirks work together? Where's the anger in that?

Here's the bet: I told Erik that if I ever get so angry with my husband that I really would, for real, want to hit him, then I'll bake Erik a brownie. That was the original bet. At the time, I took Erik seriousely when he said that I'd want to hit (or was it strangle?) my husband. So, my bet was based on how I took his comment. Since then, the bet has morphed into the following: If, after 1 year of marriage, I proverbially want to strangle my husband, I'll bake Erik a batch of home-made, recipe-based, real (not vegan or low-fat) brownies. The terms of this bet have not been refined between Erik and I passed that. I'll post my more detailed terms here:

1) The "after 1 year of marriage" rule still applies.
2) I have to glare (seriousely, out of frustration) at my husband.
3) The batch of brownies will be made as stated above, and will be a whole batch.
4) Erik will be invited over to my and my husband's place to share them with us, though I won't be able to eat them since they won't be vegan. I'll make my own brownies on the side. I'm not likely to bring the brownies to Erik.
5) Erik can't laugh at me, unless he makes me laugh at someone other than me first.
6) Erik has to bring his own ice-cream if he wants any.
7) No, after 40 years, Erik does NOT get a car or anything else other than brownies! And that applies before 40 years too :p
8) Erik's brownies are just for him, unless my hubby hates vegan and loves regular brownies. Then they'll have to share :D Same goes for the ice cream. Erik and his wife will have to decide for themselves what she gets to have :D The kids can all have what they want, 1 serving a piece, no more. Same for any friends who get invited over.
9) My husband, poor thing, is just going to have to swallow this bet, 'cause it stands even if he doesn't like it :p ;) Hmm... I wonder what lesson this'll teach the kids??? Anger = brownies??? Heh - oh well, that's better than anger = hitting for real.
10) If I really feel remorseful (and only if), I just might add some of my famous brownie toppings :D

Ok. Now, why did I just go into all that if I'm SO confident that God won't let me get that mad at my husband, 'cause I'll have no reason to? Well, Spiritually, I'm Married to God. And it's not like I've never gotten mad at Him, even though I'm in Love with Him. And He's Perfect! So, well, I kinda suspect this is a bet I'll lose, but you know, it'll be fun losing it ;) I Love brownies, I Love making them, and I Love all the people involved in this bet (accounted for and not), so it's really a win-win situation :D

So, here are some awsome brownie recipes, just to whet dear Erik's pallet :D

Trust Factor: Getting What I Want

While at Camacho.tv's site yesterday, I followed a link to an old pic of Leslie and Laura. I Love that pic! And I Love even more knowing that they have that kind of relationship with each other, which God gave them. And I hate wishing I could have that with my husband, and knowing that I can't, because God hasn't allowed it to happen yet. I'm tired of Living without it. Yes, I'm Living. But without it. My first reaction was to realize that I don't get out enough. Well, I've known that for a long time. But I was, once again, reminded of this. So, I wrote up Jealousy Breeds Fun and went to bed. Alone. Again. At 31. This ISN'T good.

Yes, God is my Spiritual Husband. He takes really good care of me! I've written much on this in posts like the one prior to this, TF: The Discipleship Code and Submission from a Hebrew Perspective (theres a part II coming soon). And I Love Him! I've, at one point when I was especially close to Him in my heart, told Him that I could Live just with Him, and didn't need a man to quite possibly come between myself and Him! At that point, that was how I felt. And I needed to say that to Him. At that point, I had only dreampt of what a human Love relationship could be like between a husband and wife, or between engaged Lovers. I had never really seen it, full blast. It was just a thought, and idea, and a feeling in my heart, nothing more. Even then, for most of my life, I had wanted that more than anything else! God gave it to me, through our Relationship, and so I have it, in the Spirit. But not in the flesh. Not like that.

Probably, for me, that last hurdle to cross is this odd aversion I have towards sex. I've joked about wanting to find a convent. I've been jokingly accused of wanting a sexless marriage. I've crashed into Godly sex and dealt with that concept as best I've known how.
Why have I been so averted to the idea? Beyond the fact that it likely will not be a fun experience at first, there have been issues I've had with allowing someone to get THAT close to me, to be physically inside of me. While I can now deal more readily with the idea of Godly Submission, as I wrote about yesterday, the physical thing is a rather huge one for me. With everything I've done other than sex, with men in the past, one might think that I'd be rarin to go for having sex. Nada. It's because my body has been used like that by men who didn't Love me or have any idea how to do that, that I struggle with this issue. To me, this issue is not odd. I called it odd because you might think it's odd, not because I think it is. For me, this issue is completely normal. No, I don't believe my husband will abuse me in such a way as to use my body, toy with my heart, and the walk off! I don't fear that, either. It's more like I just don't need to be reminded in such a physical way of things that happened in the past. I fear being reminded. But apparently, I don't fear that enough.

I actually found myself telling God that I would indeed do anything, ANYTHING, to be with my husband. I realized that I would rather be put through things I don't enjoy much, if that's what it would be like for me, than to continue Living without him: without being able to share a Relationship with God with him.

I also am done with one other fear that I've had in the past: that God wouldn't give me what I asked Him for, years ago. I would never have made the mistakes I made back then had I completely trusted that God would indeed give me the man of my dreams, verbatim. The men I went with before, including the one I was engaged to before, did NOT stack up to my request! I didn't believe God would provide, so I just was willing to settle for other things, other men. "Why would God provide such a tall order?" I thought. And so I just moseyed through life, screwing everything up for myself. Well, those men HELPED me screw everything up. I'm not completely to blame, alone, for everything that happened.

I now believe that God has been preparing me for just such a man, the kind that I asked Him for in the first place, and that I am to meet him soon enough. I've already met one man who matched everything that was on my "list," yet as God would have it, he's not the right one for me after all. Just having a list, even a good one, of all the things I want in a man, isn't enough. God has a few things on His List for me, things that differ from that man. Yet I now have hope, HOPE, that God WILL bring me MY husband! I now realize that such men DO exist, and that I have no reason in the world to believe that God WOULDN'T answer my prayer from so many years ago.

Why did God make me wait so long? Two reasons. For one, I didn't have any real Faith in God at all. I had belief, of sorts, through my church's teachings, but no Relationship with Him, and no Faith in Him, and certainly, no Hope in the idea that He would EVER give me what I really needed! For another, He had a vastly complex, weird, and difficult Journey ahead of me, one that finally led me into a Real Relationship with Him, that led me to Trust Him as my Good Shepherd, and that finally taught me that it's OK to have Real Hope in the Good things to come that He provides. He gives bread, not stones.

I've asked God to bring my husband into my life. Quite honestly, I don't feel like I can deal with Living another day without him. Not without a wedding. Or a honeymoon. Or some social status ideology. Him. I don't know God's exact Plans or His exact Timing on this. I do know that I can Trust Him to be like a good Dad/Husband/Brother/Friend and give me what I need when I need it. Do I need my husband? Hell yes! Why? Here are some links to other pictures that show why...

Valentina's photo gallery
thestreets
Stalk Photo (probably models, but it still shows what I'm talking about here.)

You'll note that what I'm missing is the human relationship between a husband and wife, and in my case, as a Believer and Follower of God, this is within the context of a Spiritual Relationship with Him. It's not that I'm wanting to race down the isle and throw a big party. I no longer even care what kind of wedding I have! And though I've had fears about my honeymoon to deal with, really, that's not the main focus of what I'm talking about here either. I want my husband. The man. The human being. The person. The one who I'll share God with, be happy with, have kids with, grow old with, and who I hope I'll be translated with. I really DON'T want to die. What a silly way to end life! I want to go right to Heaven. Alive. Together. In Love. Echad 'Havah.

Trust Factor: The Discipleship Code

Ok. The title is punny. Deal with it.

Last Friday, when I made a concious decision to Forever trust in Erik's friendship, something that I had not intentionally chosen before that (though I had chosen to trust him the week before on a semi-perminent basis). Since then, wow. It's astounding. I have ZERO fear of almost everything and everyone! Yes, I went through something like this when I accepted God's "Proposal" for Oneness, last fall and later at my Baptism, last March, but somehow, actually being able to hand a letter to someone you trust, give them an oath of that trust, and share a moment that says "this is for real"... I needed that. Also, it's actually a little less scary to finally accept it that God Loves you, when you've heard about it, even in misguided ways, in church all your life. It was MUCH scarier for me to realize that because of God's Love in Erik's heart for me, everything Erik has personally gone through for me, and because he has shown me that he enjoys being around me - I can actually trust that Erik, a regular human being, a male human being, would always Love me. He'll not only always be my Spiritual brother, but he'll always be my brother who wants the best for me, and will do anything he can to make sure that happens! Believe me - it was incredibly hard for me to let go of all my fears about being unlovable and just finally accept it that, hell or highwater, Erik will always be there for me.

No, this isn't meant as an extension of my Livagie for him. I will admit that it's kinda hard not to write this that way though, because of the impact our friendship has had on my personal Spiritual growth, and that it always will have. I will say here that there really is no way to separate out the friendship I have with Erik from the Relationship I have with God, at least not completely. And that's part of what I want to write about - Discipleship. It's not just a fun little thing to do to pass the idle hours away on Sabbath. It's a 24/7 job. It's being a real Family, under God, with God leading and directing you and everyone else Himself. It's allowing the Holy Spirit to work in and through you, to help you make the right choices and do/say what God wants, as you interact with those around you, including others like you, who are in submission to Him. While this was already happening on it's own, to some extent, it's something I had to actively choose before it's full effect could be truly felt in my heart and mind and life. I actually HUGGED mom the night before last! She looked like she could use a hug. I wasn't afraid of her, and I sincerely meant it when I did this. If that's not an effect of the trust factor, I don't know what is :)

That leads me to the other thing I wanted to write about: the effect of trust, in this case, in friendship with someone else who is sincerely lead by God in his heart. Ok, I can ask for anything without being afraid of being met with hatred for the request. I can be myself without fear of no one Loving me when all is said and done. I can land in the hospital and know I'll always get a visit or a phone call from at least one person, and that the phone call would only replace the visit if it weren't possible for the visit to happen. I can argue about whether or not I'll owe Erik brownies (long story), and know that I'm Loved and accepted at the end of the day. I can tell Erik anything, and know that I'll be bombarded with his and God's Love, and that everything's going to be ok. I can trust. Forever.

Does this mean that Erik is somehow perfect, or that he thinks I'm perfect? No. It means that I know, bottom line, that he Loves me and wants what's best for me. It doesn't matter if he and I don't always understand each other's words. It doesn't matter that neither of us is perfect, or that we don't always agree. What matters is that we show God's Love, and our own love, to each other, respecting each other, enjoying each other's company, sharing each other's burdons, etc. We really ARE friends! Yipeee! And it's a Lifetime commitment to our friendship that makes this all possible. It's discipleship. It's what Jesus prayed for, that we would be One, just as He and the Father are One. It's what God wants for everyone who calls on His Name, in Spirit and in Truth.

I'm writing this partly as a response to a situation that has developed within a certain anonymous Christian group that Erik and I are well aquanted with, here in eastern Washington. I pray they will find the Unity through the Holy Spirit, rather than through themselves, that they each so desire to have. I pray that they will wait on God to act Himself, not to do their will, but to do His will, not even through them so much as to them. Yes, through them too, but really, more to them, so that they will then let Him work through them towards each other in Oneness and Love: the things that Jesus prayed they and the rest of us would have with each other, in Him.

But mostly, I'm writing this because, seriousely folks, I'm just incredibly happy! It's hard NOT to write about this :D In fact, I've continued this over in "Spiritual Journey."

Desperate Soul That I Am

"I Love you"

Those words don't belong on some ad for jewelry, or for Valentine's Day chocolates and cards. They don't belong in every sermon that was ever preached, either. They belong on the hearts of people who have felt God moving through their lives, who share His Love with those they speak those words to.

I used to look for love. In high school, I wanted to be asked to a banquet. That never happened. I don't care if other girls pretended not to care - we all did. Only the sexy ones got asked, and only by the sexy guys, and I'm sure that at least half of those couples were having sex anyway. That just wasn't me, so love wasn't for me either, I presumed.

I used to wait for love. In my early and mid 20's, since I couldn't get a date locally (and didn't really like any of the local guys anyway), I joined a bunch of Adventist and Christian singles sites. At first, I did contact a few men, but no one got back to me. So, I gave up and said "if he's out there, he'll search for me, find me, contact me and then life will move on from there."

I used to long for love. In my late 20's, I slowly started to just give up. What was the point? No one had ever really wanted me, so why bother thinking anyone ever would? It's not like the world was going to turn upside down for me all the sudden! So, my heart just lived in a broken stuper. Eventually, I gave up on love and on any notion that God had any sense of Love for me at all. Oh, He existed! He died for my sins committed before baptism! (These are all things I believed at the time.) But He didn't love me enough to give me the one thing I was missing in my life - a man who would genuinely and truly love me, no matter what, who would be exactly everything I had ever really wanted, and who would marry me.

I used to learn about love. Durring the last year, I've learned that only God can Love me so perfectly, without error, that He's everything I ever asked Him for, and that He even wanted to become One with me! Me!!! Someone that no one else had wanted? What in the world? Why? It's not like I'd never made mistakes in my search for love! Didn't He want a perfect example of His Bride? How could I be that?

Now I Live Love. I used to belief that love was impossible. I had no idea that I AM a perfect example of His Bride, Israel. Go through Her history! Herstory!!! Her Story!!! My story. What is the reason for the Messiah? The Redeeming Kinsman? The Lamb of God? Is it merely to take away people's sins? Nay. Look at Song of Solomon. It DRIPS (quite litterally!) with the LOVE between God and Israel, His Beloved Ones! Yes, you gentiles may enter the Temple, but who's Temple? God's, yes, but Israel's, also. Not yours. Hers and His. Make no mistake - watering down the Jewish Gospel, the story of 'HVH and Isra 'El, will only leave you broken and in theological ruins. I invite you to travel in your mind to Her gates, Her waters, Her gardens, and Her people - you can't then look away from the truth! What difference does it make?

God HAS Saved His Beloved Bride, His Queen! His love is too Powerful for her weak will! Why then, does she deny her Savior? She doesn't understand His Feelings of Love - yet His Love does not diminish in depth, power, or strength! She needs only to SEE His Love and what it does to His Heart when she doesn't recognise His Love for her! She needs only to HEAR the broken tone (shofar's explained) in His Voice as it sinks into His Holy Mind what it means to do SO MUCH for her, only to have her misunderstand! She needs only to have a chance to hold and be held, to cry out and be tenderly told

"I Love you."

What then, does this mean for those of us who call ourselves Christians? Do we continue to ignore HIS QUEEN, steal her Messiah by calling Him by His Greek name, and dress Him up like a German or a European man whenever we portray Him? Do we continue to make Judas out to look THE MOST JEWISH in every film we create? In every painting we paint? In every story we tell? Do we continue to equate Jews with the Holocaust, as if Jewish life didn't continue for the survivors and their descendance after that? Do we continue to turn a blind eye to even the American relatives of Israelis being slaughtered in their OWN HOMELAND???

Do we, as Adventists (if you could call me that for a breif moment), continue to enjoy the great divide between our Christian churches (the majority) and our Jewish-Adventist temples? Do we continue to mix the "Salvation which is of the Jews" with pagan rites and practices from times of old, and then tell our Jewish friends to forever put down their talit's (prayer shawls) and "follow" us? What do WE know of THEIR, I say T. H. E. I. R.!!!, Messiah, Yeshua Hamoshiach! Oh, we have our great theologans (who don't know any Hebraic culture at all) and we have our great preachers (who borrow sermon notes from each other instead of really researching anything for themselves), and so forth! But, did it ever cross ANYONE'S minds to do the obviouse, and simply GO ASK A JEW or A RABBI??? Amazingly, yes, you can do that. And even more astoundingly, yes, many times they have answers to our questions without even realizing it themselves.

I want to challenge you severely. Go make friends with a Jew and find out for yourself what the words "I Love you" really mean.



"I Love you, child of Israel"
- Caroline, 2006

This is a PhotoShop colored version of my pencil drawing of Yeshua HaMoshiach, the Rabbi, holding a small Jewish girl. The "turbin" is one that was typically worn by Jewish Rabbis of that period. The garment with the blue stripes is a short talit gadol, which could have been any color, though it was probably a dusty white. The tunic underneath could have been any color, I chose green for fun. The beard had to be a certain length before a Jewish man of at least the age of 30 could become a Rabbi. The eyes are a dark brown, as is the curly hair. The braids were and are typically worn by Natzratti men (Nazarite men) regardless of whether they had ever taken vows or not. The girl's hair is long and curly and very full, which is typical of Semetic women's hair. On the other hand, typically, Semetic men's hair is rather thin, although neither case is an absolute rule. The skin is much darker than even typical Israeli's of today, mainly because most modern Israel's recent ancestors are of mixed Jewish and European blood. It is more likely that Yeshua's skin was much darker.

Fat is thIN

So, when I wrote about my imbalanced hormones, I was going on what information I have been given about insuline resistance, pre-diabetes, and PCOS, primarily from medical journals, pamphlets, online support groups (PCOS), and consultations from endocrinologists. It hadn't dawned on me to Google "insuline resistance" and see what came up. I'm glad I finally did.

According to this article from Stanford, eating a diet that is not low in unsaturated fats, may actually HELP me loose weight! Eh? Well, here's a quick, dietary primer...

Everything you eat is made up of 3 things: fat, protein, and carbs. Most of us are familiar with low fat and low carb diets. And with such products as olestra and sucralose which replace oil and sugar, yet because they aren't digestable, they give people varying degrees of diareah. Ik. Anyway, so you can have a diet, a meal, or any particular food item that always contains these 3 calorie providing elements in some percentage. For example:

(Some food item, percents are in calories):

Fat------------------- 15%
Carbs ----------------25&
Protein---------------60%

Now, I wouldn't necessarly say this is what your diet should look like, even if you are like me! Too much protein can cause health problems. Yet there are a number of vegie-meats that pretty much look like this. Sooooo - if most of what you eat in a day is just vegi-meat straight outta the can, um, you might want to reconsider that apple in the basket on the table ;) Unfortunately, this IS the kind of diet, more or less, that I've been trying to have, since mom put me on it after I was diagnosed with Insuline Resistance (IR here on out). So, I'm reconsidering the whole thing...

I'm now looking for recipes that look more like this, and again, percents are in calories:

Fat------------------- 30%
Carbs ----------------25&
Protein---------------45%

I still need a lot of protein, but the carbs HAVE become a real issue to contend with when I've tried to have a low fat AND high protein diet in the past! LOL - the struggle wasn't worth it, and neither are the extra pounds I've gained in the process.

It's going to be a real pistol figuring this thing out. I'm going to come clean (since only a few people read this blog anyway) and give my stats here, and then probably about once a week, update this page. And I'm starting a list of various foods, their general values (per amount I actually use, not per some dorky 1/2 cup measurement that no sane human being EVER actually measures out!), and then I'm going to take that list and work it out to make some good recipes. Honestly, until further notice, that seems like the most sane way to beat this beast.

Oh, and walking, which I do a LOT more of now :) God and I have a Rock we like to go to and just stare at the world He made for us all to enjoy. It's kind of a walk from here, so that's my walk.

So, here are my stats *cries*

Height: 5' 1'
Weight: 188
Heritage: Mostly German, thick bones
Body Fat Percentage: Not sure (haven't had that measured in awhile, maybe 33%)
BMI: 35.6 (On average, I'm 170 lbs and a BMI of about 32. I'm at a high point right now.)

Foods I like to eat:
(Of course each food has all 3 calorie providors in it, but these are grouped into which foods are highest in what.)

Proteins:
Mori-Nu Tofu
Silken Tofu (rarely ever use it though)
Silk Soy Milk
Soy Yogurt
Egg Whites (hard boiled or Egg Beaters)
Broccoli
Vegie-Burger (Used to be Low Fat, I'm now reconsidering)
Vegie-Stakes
Turkey Slices

Carbs:
Bread
Pasta
Fruit Based Deserts
Candies or candied fruits
Granola
Cereal
Corn
Potatoes
Almost all fruits
Vegan Fudge Brownies
Beans, Peas (Gasp! Yup - their MUCH higher in carbs calories than protein calories.)

Unsaturated Fat:
Almonds
Avacados?? (not sure, but mom buys them so I won't get my fat from egg yolks)
Olives
Olive Oil
Vegetable Oil??? (again, not sure)
Oil Crust Pie (no shortening in crust or filling)
Oil Based Deserts (no shortening)

Low in Everything (high water content):
Grapes (62 cals from carbs in 1 cup)
Most of your basic Salad ingredients
Celery
Beets
Cooked Fresh Green Beans
Baby Corns
Tomatoes and T-based products (watch out for sodium or unhealthy spices [black pepper])
Diet sodas (go have a cow if you think those are bad for me, ok??? Theres a barn nearbye.)
Water (duh)
Non-caffeinated tea or iced tea
Diet drink mixes

Foods I really just need to avoid:
Anything frosted (that includes birthday cakes, cupcakes, cookies, brownies...)
Most of the deserts mom makes
Fatty Bakery Foods (saturated fat, big time, oh my, go READ THE LABELS!!!)
Vegan cheeses, cream cheese, mayonaise (unless it has 0 saturated fat)
Vegan ice creams
Vegetarian Chilli Products

Beauty

I was thinking about this whole struggle we women have of defining ourselves OUTSIDE the context of beauty, and why that's so important for some of us and not for others. I then thought about how, particularly in Catholic schools for girls, "vanity" is labeled a sin. Why? No one apparently knows. I will say that I think it's alright to teach girls (and boys) not to overly-value some female students and undervalue others based on their looks/clothes/etc. Yet, when that lesson gets firmly taught, the principle goes out the window when students start comparing grades. This is one reason I'm against students ever knowing what their own (or each other's) grades are until they are adults - it's too easy to hang their self-esteems on those grades, particularly if they had to work really hard just to get a C on something. Those A students often don't complain of this being a problem, mainly because the school-work was so simple for them that they didn't really have to try - they just got everything right, simple as that. They didn't waist a lot of hours on some project, put all their brains into it, just to have it fail or get a low grade or whatever. They didn't really have much of a chance to think of themselves as stupid, which goes straight to the heart of a little kid when they do think this of themselves.

Anyway, the issue I'm mainly focussing on tonight is basically the question "What's wrong with being beautiful?" I dealt a lot with that in It's OK to be a Woman. But there are some unanswered questions, such as "Why do women find (or not find) their value in what they look like?" and "Should a woman work hard to be beautiful?"

So, the first question is not so easy to answer. Different women would likely answer it differently. I'll answer it for myself. Until I got to school, I didn't care what I looked like. Mom made a lot of fuss over me, trying to turn me into some china-doll, but other than that weekly bother, I really didn't care. I enjoyed playing outside, getting dirty, digging for worms... In fact, other than kids calling me fat and making fun of my last name in school, and the fact that my grades were steadily heading south, I didn't really notice that there was anything about my apprance that could stand improvement until 3rd grade. Holly and Sarah were these two girls in my mixed-grade class (they were 4th graders), and they were all made up, dressed up, etc. I have NO idea where they got their clothes, though I suspect Nordsrom's and Macy's. They did up their faces like little sky-blue-eye-lidded teenie-boppers, and they were the happiest girls in the whole room. They were popular. They were envied. They had all the fun and even little Craig, a "bible-boy" type of kid obviousely had a crush on them both! They were valued. Or were they?

I'm noticing for the first time tonight, as I think back on those two, that until the day they both came into our classroom all made up like that, no one really knew them and no one cared to. They had both come off as being a bit snobbish in the past, and so no one but Holly and Sarah wanted to be friends with Holly and Sarah. They were the only ones who valued each other as people, mainly because they didn't value anyone else as people. I'm now realizing that nothing really changed, as far as their "intrinsic value" (thanks, Erik, for teaching me what that really means, and for showing me that I really DO have it) in other people's eyes was concerned. They were the same people they had been before, it was just that now they had a "tag line" that drew their friendship-customers "in." They had looks, something the rest of us didn't have. And we wanted it. I know I did. Why? Because I saw them and thought "They have more value than I do - just look at how everyone is treating them vs. me! They must be more important than me." I'm so sorry to say this, but this DID happen in a private "Christian" setting. I should never have been allowed to think such a thing: I should have been TRAINED early on to KNOW, in my HEART (not just my head), that I am SUPREMELY LOVED, AS I ALREADY AM, by the GOD who Made me, Holly, Sarah, Craig, and everyone else too. Instead, I was taught, both at home and at school, that beauty equaled intrinsic value, and I was sunk.

I think I'm not the only one to go through this. I know that millions of women around the globe struggle daily to attain some worth, some value, SOMETHING to call their own that everyone else wants a piece of but can't have! We WANT to be QUEENS! Not that we want mindless subjects dutifully serving us without their hearts being in it, but we DO want to be Valued :D In all honesty, I think men want the same thing. I think this IS a human trait, not a gender trait. do men have vanity? You bet. It just comes in other forms. Guys compare, um, I can't say that on the www! But they do, and you know what I mean there. They also compare how many women they've dated, how much money they make, what kinds of cars they drive, or bikes they ride, etc. Sometimes they actually compare X-box games! Anything to find that one has more value than the other...

Why in the world is this? I think it's so simple, it's easy to miss: we WANT to be Valued by God. We want to KNOW what it FEELS like to be Loved. And we are willing to do just about ANYTHING to attain this, when we don't know that we ARE Loved, ARE Valuable, ARE "good enough." A N Y T H I N G. The truth is, that until we really KNOW what it's like to experience this, we really are a bunch of self-centered emotional hoars, all selling our souls to the lowest bidder... Not just out spirits/hearts, but our bodies as well. Most of us turn to dating/sex to find that value. I know that I struggle to turn only to God and not to my friendships, to find that value. Silly me! He's the only One who DOES Love me perfectly and Value me Infinetly more than any other human being can! It's a heart knowledge, and that's all I can say about that. No, my heart is not perfect - yet He HAS worked to put that knowledge into my heart anyway, and I've been willing to accept/recieve this.

Should men or women work their butts off in order to be valued? We often find it easy to look down on those we consider lazy. Why? We're jealous. We see them not working their fingers to the bone, we see ourselves doing just that, and we see that our lives aren't really all that better than theirs, in fact sometimes a lot worse than theirs, and we just get mad. We feel stupid for working that hard. I think that's a good thing. Gasp! I know, what a shock. Well, it's true: we DON'T need to work our butts off every day to try to be as good as, or better than, other people. We don't need to try to be more likeable. We just need to be ourselves and let God do what He's going to do in and through us, and stop worrying about whether we're doing the right thing or not. WE can't do the right thing anyway! So, who cares about that? Let God worry about it! As long as a person is open to God, then why should that person worry about whether or not what they're doing is right? Why should they worry about what they look like?

I noticed something about Leslie's favorite picture of Laura. Yes, she's beautiful! SHE is beautiful. Not her bandenna (though it's cool), not her hair-style (though I love it), not the color of her eyes (I've always been jealous anyway :p), etc. LAURA is beautiful! That picture might show the random passer-by yet another beautiful picture of yet another woman, but to those who KNOW Laura's spirit, God's Spirit within her which is Married to her own Forever, it's LAURA. She has an intrinsic beauty that goes far beyond "skin deep" and really, that's what counts. Her value is within herself!

Recently, Erik proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt just how Valuable I am. I have always struggled to really beleive that there's anything about ME that anyone would like. Not anymore. Thank YOU, Erik, for BEING who YOU are inside. Thank you for letting God shine through you!

Thank YOU God, for being the Coolest Dude in the Universe ;) Thank you for Marrying me, for Guarding, Guiding, Protecting, and Loving me, and for Proving MY Value and Worth to you, all along ;X

The Truth About Imbalanced Hormones

I read Laura's article on pelvic pain during pregnancy. I then read the article it referred to. Then I realized where my hip pain (hip popping and sciatica) originates. It comes from the same problem that caused me to have PCOS for awhile, which was caused by my Insuline Resistance.

I'll just do this chronologically and experiencially.

When I was about 5, I had my first experience with sciatica - my left big toe froze up and my whole leg, clear up through my rear end, hurt - badly. It was a shooting pain beyond belief. It took several minutes for me to be able to relax my leg, then my foot, and finally my big toe. I've periodically experienced this throughout my life, always in my left big toe, excepting once in my right big toe.

When I was about 9, my weight went out of control. No one knew why, no one cared - I was just doomed to be fat because I was a piggish slob who ate all the time, blah blah. No one knew it then, but I was showing a lot of symptoms of insulin resistance (eating high-carb/fatty foods all day and late into the night/early morning because of being hungry when there was no reason to be hungry was just one, but there were others as well). Yes, I was depressed as well, and emotionally ate. But there WAS more to it than just that. I was diagnosed with insulin resistance at age 30.

When I was 15, my left hip started popping and grinding for no apparent reason at all. It's been like that semi-regularly ever since. I've been told that chiropractic treatments would help. Been there, done that, it didn't do any good.

When I was 17, I noted just how "unfeminine" I felt compared to the girls around me. No, I'm not homosexual or anything (that crack about convents taking in lesbians was just that - a joke). But I realized, painfully, how different I felt compared to them. The girls I knew in my grade in school just wanted to get married and have babies. I wanted the attention/love that such a lifestyle would provide, but I didn't have a DRIVE towards the REALITIES of marriage, sex, kids, etc. In fact, I still struggle with that (hence the joke about convents and lesbians). My female classmates DID have that drive. I wanted a career - mainly, so I could move away from my parents forever. To me, this was a masculine thing, as apposed to the "arm candy/baby machine" approach to life that some of my female classmates seemed to have. I remember telling some friends that my hormones were imbalanced. They just glared at me. I had no idea how right I really was though...

What caught my attention while reading this article was how, when I was 24, I was diagnosed with PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome/Disease (it's called either a syndrome or a disease, depending on which doctor you ask). I was imediately put on birth-control pills because of the hormone-regulation they provide (apparently, this treatment is hardly practiced anymore). (Just so you know folks, birth control being made available DOES NOT make a person want to have sex just because "they can," if they have already made up their mind to wait until marriage - I'm living proof of that. This is why I'm all for a mixture of good and Godly sex/relationship education AND the provision of birth control for those teens who sincerly just don't want to wait, even after going through some version of counciling regarding the matter. It's not about what message your sending about sex being "ok" - you don't make that decision for them. They HAVE to make that choice for themselves after being presented with the facts.)

Anyway, those hormone pills were NOT the "easy-does-it generic" kind. They were THE REAL THING, in all it's pumped up hormonic glory! My cycle immediately snapped to attention (I was at exactly 28 days every month for the whole year), and I started going through some weird things. First of all, I got sick ALL the time - I was either having diareah or I was throwing up. For a whole year, until I just quit taking the pills on my own, due to how my life had gone down the tubes as a result of this. Secondly, I was tired - ALL the time. Not just from the fact that I couldn't hold food in me long enough to benefit from it. I was groggy/sleepy 24/7. Third, I actually noticed that I had a sex-drive (I'd never really realized this before) because it went all wacko on me. No, sex itself was NOT a temptation. But a person's body does have ways of letting that person know what (or who) it so desires OR DOESN'T, and when, which was something I had to get used to and realize what was causing that. I don't even remember all the things I went through anymore, only that it was hell. But I do remember being told "what you are experiencing is a LOT like pregnancy, minus the baby." During the year that I took the pills, I don't recal how my hip was affected. It wasn't on my mind to worry about that at the time.

After I quit taking those pills, these symptoms started to fade, and a year later, I was back to being myself. Three years later, I was back to having irregular periods. It's been six years since I quit taking those pills, and everything is right back to where it was when I was diagnosed with PCOS - excepting that I've had the diagnosis REVERSED by my local endocrynologist (after 9 blood samples were taken from me and a long panel of tests were run on them). I was however diagnosed with insuline resistance at the same time. The thing is that insuline resistance tends to be a real problem with women who have PCOS. The two are related. While my hormones "passed the test" for PCOS last February, I still have the problem that seems to have caused the PCOS in the first place.

What does this have to do with my hip? I'm no doctor, please don't assume this is some kind of medical advice. It's not - go see your health care provider, etc. But seriousely, I'm pretty much convinced that hormones are a big deal. They affect a person's body in ways they aren't aware of until they get screwed around with, either through imbalance, pills or pregnancy. No, I don't have the particular pelvic pain that Laura is experiencing as her body prepares to give birth, though I will admit that I've had something that sounds a lot like it on two or three occasions in the past. But this article helped me to realize that what I'm dealing with in my left hip just may be a result of my hormones being all "wrong" (for a woman who's not pregnant).

No, I have no desire to go back on those pills. God help me, what a nightmare that was! But this is just further encouragement to continue treating the insulin resistance that caused my PCOS in the first place, which I'll admit, I've been a bit lax on lately. It's really NOT easy to get used to taking a pill every day, eating tons of egg-whites, tofu, low-carb/fat vegie-meats AND, AND ANDDDDDD.... hardly any carbs at alL. <-- That sentance is how I feel after being on this diet. I did alright for the first month or so, but after that, I just couldn't take it anymore. The smell of eggs almost makes me want to hurl. I'm doing better with the tofu (yay for cocoa-tofu smoothies!), and I'm fairly sick of all vegie-meats at this point. I WANT my carbs! I WANT bread, potatoes, rice, and pasta! I LOVE fruits! It's not that I can't have any of these at all (it's unhealthy to go completely bust), but the tiny amounts I CAN have almost aren't worth it. However, having my left hip go back to normal, if that's possible and if what I suspect about this is true.. That just MIGHT make it worth the effort. Of course, losing weight wouldn't kill me either, but seriousely, I'm at a point where I really just DON'T care about that anymore.