CoverGirl, Part II

This is my response to Laura's post I am Not Thin to Me at Camacho.tv. Heh - as usual, I just can't seem to pair it down to the quota ;) :p

Thank you for sharing that Laura. I, for one, needed to read it. Just last night, God told me that I have a beautiful ___________ (fill in any body part here, though He did name a specific part) and it just put me in tears. I HAD to agree with Him! But I didn't want to at first because I'm so used to regretting that part, as it's been used against me in the past by people who just AREN'T Loving towards others, or are generally insensitive/unthoughtful/unmindful of their words. People say that words can't hurt. Last night, before this thing with God, I found out from some experiences yesterday (private story) that YES, words CAN and DO hurt, when you haven't yet been through the whole thing of Knowing God. The lesson I learned was that I can't put any stalk in the negative opinions of others unless God Himself pulls me aside and says "Caroline, Love, we need to talk..." I have to keep my heart only for Him, and not give it to ____________! Who is ___________ that they can DEFINE ME as a person??? Particularly based on outword observations, and not inward ones??? No. God's opinion of me is the only opinion that counts. Everything else is just hoo-hah.

As for the chubby-kid thing, I was the "tub o' lard" clear back in first grade, according to my overly-starved-ultra-vegan-all-food-is-evil classmates. They picked at me, defined me, were intollerant of me, all in the name of "if something were wrong with me, I'd want to know about it!" And so I bought into it. I had problems with my family too, as they didn't seem to like me much. And so forth and so on. My heart belonged to all these people, and believed that they must be right, and I became depressed and did the whole "emotional eating" thing as soon as I learned that people eat ice-cream in order to feel better (heh - I shoulda stuck to the chocolate varieties!) And so I fulfilled their prophecies and BECAME fat. Looking back at my 1st grade and before-that pictures, I have to ask, "What in tarnation was wrong with these creatures?" I WAS NOT a fat kid to begin with! I have some VERY cute photos of me from back then! It was all in my head.

I worked my butt off from the beginning of 8th grade on. JP (you know who I'm talking about, Laura) really picked on me a LOT, even making me give him lists every day of the foods I'd eaten the day before, and convincing me to give JC (a very thin girl in our class) half my lunches every day, which in and of themselves had almost no calories! I went home and excersized for at least an hour straight every day. JP once sang, to mock me, "You are so beautiful to me" in history class. I didn't know whether to believe all that work had paid off, or whether to cry and hit him.

In my freshman year, I couldn't even do one push-up. I worked my BUTT off for that one, and by the middle of the year, I could do my 50 GUY PUSHUPS faster and better than almost all of the guys, and definetly than all the girls excepting for Cerise! (She TOTALLY rocked, and I'm sure she still does!) My weight went up and down for a couple of years, but mostly down, and by the time I was 18, I was all the sudden actually pretty (when I held my stomach in, lol). Well, that got taken advantage of as you well know, and I eventually realized that I didn't care for this "thin" business and if I felt like eating (soy) ice-cream, potato/corn chips & salsa, and a lot of other high-cal stuff, then that was my own business and JP, that nemisis in my own head, could take a flying leap. That was a mistake, because eventually, the whole bad body image took root in such a way that I really did HATE my body. I've hated it for years. Last night was such a weird experience for me. I had to actually confess that even though there are things about most of my body that I don't like, there is one part that, well, darn-it, turned out CUTE! And, now that I have my head screwed on straight regarding God and men, that's NOT a terrible thing. And, lol, I think my husband will LOVE it :) But it's not about him or his opinion. It's about me and my opinion, and deeper still, it's about God's opinion. Words can also help and heal. What God tells me, and what I tell myself, are the keys to dealing with this issue.

I'm glad that for you, for so many years, dieting wasn't an issue. I remember you as being just an average, regular kid, as far as your weight was concerned (NOT at all as far as your mind/heart were concerned though - in all honesty, you have ALWAYS been so deep, caring, insightful...) I didn't think of you as fat. I DO remember seeing you for the first time in years, back in 2000, and thinking "Oh my God! Men - look out, here comes LAURA!" You had lost some weight, grown a few inches, cut your hair, and generally had changed from a girl into a woman. In truth, I WAS scared for you, that some guy would try to take advantage of you (not that you couldn't have handled that, but still...) I'm glad Leslie came along, in the way that he did - looks just weren't an issue in his falling for you in the beginning. He fell for the God within your Heart and Mind. That's what's most important. Still, I'm glad he finds you attractive! It must be so awsome to be married to someone like him :D

I've come to realize something about people and my relationship to them. Those who are unloving are the ones who have the problem. Those who are loving are the ones who God uses. Neither is a reflection on me. Which kind of person do I want to be? Which kind is God Making me into Himself (sometimes quite painfully)? I do know that He wants me to be more sensative to the hidden kindnesses of others. And He wants me to be more Loving to others, and just let them be who they are, even if I don't agree with them or like something they've said. They shouldn't have to earn my treating them right. Instead, it should come from God. "Lord, help us all."

Anyway, Laura, you really ARE beautiful, inside and out :D :D :D Deal with it ;)

This saga continued in On Guard II: Who I Am Not