Trust Factor: Getting What I Want
While at Camacho.tv's site yesterday, I followed a link to an old pic of Leslie and Laura. I Love that pic! And I Love even more knowing that they have that kind of relationship with each other, which God gave them. And I hate wishing I could have that with my husband, and knowing that I can't, because God hasn't allowed it to happen yet. I'm tired of Living without it. Yes, I'm Living. But without it. My first reaction was to realize that I don't get out enough. Well, I've known that for a long time. But I was, once again, reminded of this. So, I wrote up Jealousy Breeds Fun and went to bed. Alone. Again. At 31. This ISN'T good.
Yes, God is my Spiritual Husband. He takes really good care of me! I've written much on this in posts like the one prior to this, TF: The Discipleship Code and Submission from a Hebrew Perspective (theres a part II coming soon). And I Love Him! I've, at one point when I was especially close to Him in my heart, told Him that I could Live just with Him, and didn't need a man to quite possibly come between myself and Him! At that point, that was how I felt. And I needed to say that to Him. At that point, I had only dreampt of what a human Love relationship could be like between a husband and wife, or between engaged Lovers. I had never really seen it, full blast. It was just a thought, and idea, and a feeling in my heart, nothing more. Even then, for most of my life, I had wanted that more than anything else! God gave it to me, through our Relationship, and so I have it, in the Spirit. But not in the flesh. Not like that.
Probably, for me, that last hurdle to cross is this odd aversion I have towards sex. I've joked about wanting to find a convent. I've been jokingly accused of wanting a sexless marriage. I've crashed into Godly sex and dealt with that concept as best I've known how.
Why have I been so averted to the idea? Beyond the fact that it likely will not be a fun experience at first, there have been issues I've had with allowing someone to get THAT close to me, to be physically inside of me. While I can now deal more readily with the idea of Godly Submission, as I wrote about yesterday, the physical thing is a rather huge one for me. With everything I've done other than sex, with men in the past, one might think that I'd be rarin to go for having sex. Nada. It's because my body has been used like that by men who didn't Love me or have any idea how to do that, that I struggle with this issue. To me, this issue is not odd. I called it odd because you might think it's odd, not because I think it is. For me, this issue is completely normal. No, I don't believe my husband will abuse me in such a way as to use my body, toy with my heart, and the walk off! I don't fear that, either. It's more like I just don't need to be reminded in such a physical way of things that happened in the past. I fear being reminded. But apparently, I don't fear that enough.
I actually found myself telling God that I would indeed do anything, ANYTHING, to be with my husband. I realized that I would rather be put through things I don't enjoy much, if that's what it would be like for me, than to continue Living without him: without being able to share a Relationship with God with him.
I also am done with one other fear that I've had in the past: that God wouldn't give me what I asked Him for, years ago. I would never have made the mistakes I made back then had I completely trusted that God would indeed give me the man of my dreams, verbatim. The men I went with before, including the one I was engaged to before, did NOT stack up to my request! I didn't believe God would provide, so I just was willing to settle for other things, other men. "Why would God provide such a tall order?" I thought. And so I just moseyed through life, screwing everything up for myself. Well, those men HELPED me screw everything up. I'm not completely to blame, alone, for everything that happened.
I now believe that God has been preparing me for just such a man, the kind that I asked Him for in the first place, and that I am to meet him soon enough. I've already met one man who matched everything that was on my "list," yet as God would have it, he's not the right one for me after all. Just having a list, even a good one, of all the things I want in a man, isn't enough. God has a few things on His List for me, things that differ from that man. Yet I now have hope, HOPE, that God WILL bring me MY husband! I now realize that such men DO exist, and that I have no reason in the world to believe that God WOULDN'T answer my prayer from so many years ago.
Why did God make me wait so long? Two reasons. For one, I didn't have any real Faith in God at all. I had belief, of sorts, through my church's teachings, but no Relationship with Him, and no Faith in Him, and certainly, no Hope in the idea that He would EVER give me what I really needed! For another, He had a vastly complex, weird, and difficult Journey ahead of me, one that finally led me into a Real Relationship with Him, that led me to Trust Him as my Good Shepherd, and that finally taught me that it's OK to have Real Hope in the Good things to come that He provides. He gives bread, not stones.
I've asked God to bring my husband into my life. Quite honestly, I don't feel like I can deal with Living another day without him. Not without a wedding. Or a honeymoon. Or some social status ideology. Him. I don't know God's exact Plans or His exact Timing on this. I do know that I can Trust Him to be like a good Dad/Husband/Brother/Friend and give me what I need when I need it. Do I need my husband? Hell yes! Why? Here are some links to other pictures that show why...
Valentina's photo gallery
thestreets
Stalk Photo (probably models, but it still shows what I'm talking about here.)
You'll note that what I'm missing is the human relationship between a husband and wife, and in my case, as a Believer and Follower of God, this is within the context of a Spiritual Relationship with Him. It's not that I'm wanting to race down the isle and throw a big party. I no longer even care what kind of wedding I have! And though I've had fears about my honeymoon to deal with, really, that's not the main focus of what I'm talking about here either. I want my husband. The man. The human being. The person. The one who I'll share God with, be happy with, have kids with, grow old with, and who I hope I'll be translated with. I really DON'T want to die. What a silly way to end life! I want to go right to Heaven. Alive. Together. In Love. Echad 'Havah.
Yes, God is my Spiritual Husband. He takes really good care of me! I've written much on this in posts like the one prior to this, TF: The Discipleship Code and Submission from a Hebrew Perspective (theres a part II coming soon). And I Love Him! I've, at one point when I was especially close to Him in my heart, told Him that I could Live just with Him, and didn't need a man to quite possibly come between myself and Him! At that point, that was how I felt. And I needed to say that to Him. At that point, I had only dreampt of what a human Love relationship could be like between a husband and wife, or between engaged Lovers. I had never really seen it, full blast. It was just a thought, and idea, and a feeling in my heart, nothing more. Even then, for most of my life, I had wanted that more than anything else! God gave it to me, through our Relationship, and so I have it, in the Spirit. But not in the flesh. Not like that.
Probably, for me, that last hurdle to cross is this odd aversion I have towards sex. I've joked about wanting to find a convent. I've been jokingly accused of wanting a sexless marriage. I've crashed into Godly sex and dealt with that concept as best I've known how.
Why have I been so averted to the idea? Beyond the fact that it likely will not be a fun experience at first, there have been issues I've had with allowing someone to get THAT close to me, to be physically inside of me. While I can now deal more readily with the idea of Godly Submission, as I wrote about yesterday, the physical thing is a rather huge one for me. With everything I've done other than sex, with men in the past, one might think that I'd be rarin to go for having sex. Nada. It's because my body has been used like that by men who didn't Love me or have any idea how to do that, that I struggle with this issue. To me, this issue is not odd. I called it odd because you might think it's odd, not because I think it is. For me, this issue is completely normal. No, I don't believe my husband will abuse me in such a way as to use my body, toy with my heart, and the walk off! I don't fear that, either. It's more like I just don't need to be reminded in such a physical way of things that happened in the past. I fear being reminded. But apparently, I don't fear that enough.
I actually found myself telling God that I would indeed do anything, ANYTHING, to be with my husband. I realized that I would rather be put through things I don't enjoy much, if that's what it would be like for me, than to continue Living without him: without being able to share a Relationship with God with him.
I also am done with one other fear that I've had in the past: that God wouldn't give me what I asked Him for, years ago. I would never have made the mistakes I made back then had I completely trusted that God would indeed give me the man of my dreams, verbatim. The men I went with before, including the one I was engaged to before, did NOT stack up to my request! I didn't believe God would provide, so I just was willing to settle for other things, other men. "Why would God provide such a tall order?" I thought. And so I just moseyed through life, screwing everything up for myself. Well, those men HELPED me screw everything up. I'm not completely to blame, alone, for everything that happened.
I now believe that God has been preparing me for just such a man, the kind that I asked Him for in the first place, and that I am to meet him soon enough. I've already met one man who matched everything that was on my "list," yet as God would have it, he's not the right one for me after all. Just having a list, even a good one, of all the things I want in a man, isn't enough. God has a few things on His List for me, things that differ from that man. Yet I now have hope, HOPE, that God WILL bring me MY husband! I now realize that such men DO exist, and that I have no reason in the world to believe that God WOULDN'T answer my prayer from so many years ago.
Why did God make me wait so long? Two reasons. For one, I didn't have any real Faith in God at all. I had belief, of sorts, through my church's teachings, but no Relationship with Him, and no Faith in Him, and certainly, no Hope in the idea that He would EVER give me what I really needed! For another, He had a vastly complex, weird, and difficult Journey ahead of me, one that finally led me into a Real Relationship with Him, that led me to Trust Him as my Good Shepherd, and that finally taught me that it's OK to have Real Hope in the Good things to come that He provides. He gives bread, not stones.
I've asked God to bring my husband into my life. Quite honestly, I don't feel like I can deal with Living another day without him. Not without a wedding. Or a honeymoon. Or some social status ideology. Him. I don't know God's exact Plans or His exact Timing on this. I do know that I can Trust Him to be like a good Dad/Husband/Brother/Friend and give me what I need when I need it. Do I need my husband? Hell yes! Why? Here are some links to other pictures that show why...
Valentina's photo gallery
thestreets
Stalk Photo (probably models, but it still shows what I'm talking about here.)
You'll note that what I'm missing is the human relationship between a husband and wife, and in my case, as a Believer and Follower of God, this is within the context of a Spiritual Relationship with Him. It's not that I'm wanting to race down the isle and throw a big party. I no longer even care what kind of wedding I have! And though I've had fears about my honeymoon to deal with, really, that's not the main focus of what I'm talking about here either. I want my husband. The man. The human being. The person. The one who I'll share God with, be happy with, have kids with, grow old with, and who I hope I'll be translated with. I really DON'T want to die. What a silly way to end life! I want to go right to Heaven. Alive. Together. In Love. Echad 'Havah.
posted by Caroline Talita Ishshah | 3:48 AM
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